Stress – a Saboteur of Our Well-being and Relationships
Stress is not a foreign concept. It creeps into our lives through overbooked schedules, unfinished tasks, push notifications, constant availability, family and social obligations, and financial worries. While we try to juggle everything, we often don’t notice how much stress burdens – and sometimes even endangers – our well-being and relationships.
In his book “Before Stress Do Us Part”, psychologist Guy Bodenmann (2016) describes how about half of all partnerships fail – often under the weight of stress. Why? Stress changes our behavior. We not only become tired, but also more impatient, irritable, egocentric, and sometimes emotionally distant. We listen less attentively, feel attacked more quickly, lose emotional connection with each other, small frictions escalate, and tenderness ceases. Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist and author, also emphasizes: Intimacy needs space – and chronic stress robs us of that.
Resilience helps. But where does the term resilience actually come from? The term originally comes from materials science: it describes the load on a material – and the question of how much it can withstand before it breaks. Transferred to us humans: We too come under pressure – from external or even internal demands. So the question is: How resilient and resistant are we to the demands of our daily lives? Critical life events can lead to stress – both positive and negative (marriage, children, new job, moving, a pet, but also loss, separation, unemployment). Often, however, it’s the sum of all things, and what we don’t want is to break under this pressure. (Thun-Hohenstein, L., Lampert, K., & Altendorfer-Kling, U., 2020)
Stress can arise in various areas: job, family, family of origin, social relationships, or even through internal beliefs (“I have to be perfect”, “I must not show weakness”). Sometimes it’s also small, insignificant things like daily organization, etc., that we all have to juggle.
So What Can You Do?
- Recognize your stressors: In which areas of your life are you currently experiencing pressure or stress? What is stressing you the most right now?
- Talk about it – honestly and connectively – with yourself and your partner: Where do you feel pressured? What stresses you the most? How do you think about it, what feelings do you discover? What support needs do you have – emotional or practical? Do you need an open ear and attentive listening, or active support in finding a solution?
- Consciously plan “islands of relief and energy replenishment”: Walks, breathing and drinking breaks (like in sports), exercise, conversations with friends, cultural or creative activities – small rituals can have a big impact.
- Reflect on inner beliefs: Does everything really have to be perfect? Does everything really have to be in place? Do I really have to do everything myself? Do I really have to do everything – or what can I let go of? Perhaps the perfectly tidy room or freshly washed hair?
Conclusion
Stress cannot always be avoided – but we can learn to deal with it more mindfully. As a companion and not as a saboteur. That starts with ourselves – and ultimately strengthens our relationships.
Book Recommendations & Sources:
Thun-Hohenstein, L., Lampert, K., & Altendorfer-Kling, U. (2020). Resilience – History, Models and Application. Journal of Psychodrama and Sociometry, 19(1), 71–90. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11620-020-00524-6
Bodenmann, G. (2016). Before Stress Divides Us: Resilience in Relationships (2nd, unchanged ed.). Hogrefe.
