Talking is silver, listening is gold
Many couples experience this: daily life gets louder, the relationship quieter. Between discussions about children, appointments, and groceries, little room remains for deep connection. Communication is reduced to function. You talk constantly – but somehow not with each other.
Yet, communication is the lifeblood of relationships. Not only factually, but also emotionally. Esther Perel says:
“In love, it’s not about the quantity of communication, but the depth of connection.”
Guy Bodenmann (2016) speaks here of a lack of relationship competence – the knowledge and skill of how to stay connected, argue fairly, express feelings, formulate criticism, and respond to the other.
However, good communication doesn’t start in conversation with the other – but with yourself: with self-awareness, curiosity, and the courage not to make quick assumptions. Our brain tends towards confirmation bias: We prefer to see what confirms our image of the other. True connection is only possible if we learn to remain open – to differences, surprises, and development. Think Again is a great book recommendation here from Adam Grant (2021).
What Makes for Good Communication?
- Clear “I” messages instead of accusations
(“I feel…” instead of “You always…”) - Active listening – without immediately offering solutions
Sometimes the other person doesn’t want to be “fixed”, but understood. Ask: “Did I understand you correctly?” – or summarize. - Empathy instead of interpretation
We often experience ourselves as complex – but the other as “a fixed type”, as static. Try not to judge the behavior, but to understand it in context. Ask: What might the other person need right now? What does it say – and what does it not say? - Respect and name boundaries
Boundaries can enable and protect. Like skin that is permeable yet protective. Ask yourself: Where does my experience end – and where does yours begin? Relationships need a balance of closeness and autonomy. - Choose the right moment
Deep conversations need space. Not on the fly – but in a “safe container” where one can speak honestly and without fear. - Apologize
If you have hurt someone, take responsibility. That doesn’t mean taking on blame – but restoring connection.
Common Communication Traps
- Generalizations like “always” and “never”
→ They lead to totalistic thinking and prevent genuine engagement. - Negative spiral: “That’s just how it is.”
→ Try to see the positive again. Put on rose-tinted glasses: What are you good at? What did you fall in love with? - Withdrawal or silence
→ Instead of withdrawing, try to stay in contact. Say, for example: “I need some time right now, but I’ll get back to you.” - Dominance or constant justification
→ A relationship is not a power game. Instead of “power over”, it needs “power to”: shaping together, instead of arguing against each other. - Relationships need language – real language
Not just about everyday life, but about what moves you internally. What you need. What you feel. What you wish for. Speak not just functionally, but in a way that fosters connection. Openness is the key to closeness – even if it requires courage. Remember what once connected you – and remain curious about each other. - A small tip derived from the book “The Truth Begins with Two – The Couple in Conversation” by Michael Lukas Moeller (1998).
Take, for example, 15 minutes daily (or weekly) – no everyday planning, no “organizing”, but the simple question: What moves you? Listen for 15 minutes each, and use 15 minutes to open up – in a way that feels comfortable.
Roles also Need to be Renegotiated
Our origin shapes our relationship scripts – and often also the roles we unconsciously assume: provider, mediator, responsible person. But sometimes we fill roles we never applied for – or we’ve carried them for too long.
Ask yourself:
- Which role do I (still) have?
- Which one do I (no longer) want?
- How can we shape roles flexibly and equally?
Having Difficult Conversations – with Connection
Difficult conversations often feel like a break. Yet, they can be a gateway to true intimacy – if conducted mindfully. Start with your true concern, not with accusations. Say, for example: “This is hard for me – and I still want to say it because our relationship is important to me.” Or: “I know this is difficult to hear. Can you help me say it correctly?”
Conclusion
Communication requires self-reflection, curiosity, listening, boundaries, and openness. Esther Perel reminds us:
“Relationships are not a given. They are daily practice.”
Book Recommendations & Sources:
Bodenmann, G. (2016). Before Stress Divides Us: Resilience in Relationships (2nd, unchanged ed.). Hogrefe.
Grant, A. (2021). Think again: The power of knowing what you don’t know. Viking.
Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux
Perel, E. (2020). Where should we begin? A game of stories. Esther Perel Global Media.
